A Series of Unfortunate Events

Hey all, 

As always, thank you so much for your kind words and support. You have no idea how grateful I (as well as Layne and Aaron) are. While there is not much to update on on the medical side (no news is good news, I guess?), I wanted to do a post anyway! 

For those of you who knew me growing up, you knew if I wasn't out playing sports (and by playing, I mean dominating) with the boys, I was reading. Besides Harry Potter, my other favorite book series of all time is A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket. While they made a movie about 13 years ago covering the first 3 books, it felt very rushed, but great all the same. When I found out Netflix was creating a series based on the books, I just about cried with joy. As it premiered a few weeks ago, I obviously binged it in 2 days and have nothing but positive reviews. IT IS SO WELL DONE. While I was happy to be able to see such a big part of my childhood come to life on the screen, it made me reflective and cannot help but notice that up until this point, my own life could nearly be categorized as one big series of unfortunate events. But, Mr. Snicket says it best: 

Now, I certainly don't want this to turn in to a "woe is me" type post, because that's just not my style. The last week has been pretty rough for me both physically and emotionally, so I wanted to write a post with full honesty and emotion. I'm not the most emotional person on the planet, so sorry in advance. 

Physically: I briefly mentioned in a post the other day that I had my roughest post-chemo week yet. This would be an understatement. For the first two treatments, I did not begin to have any side effects for 6 days after (so the following Thursday), whereas this treatment I started having side effects on Sunday (just 2 days after) which became severe by Wednesday. Even with a new anti-nausea patch, on top of 3 different anti-nausea medications, I still was feeling queasy. So yes, I threw up a lot, especially as the week went on. Worse than that was the pain I felt from the Neulasta (the medication that makes my bone marrow come out of my bones to boost my white blood cell count to help prevent me from getting an infection). By Friday, this was me: 

Taking ache-y to a whole other level. Those of you who sent me bath oils/salts/bombs, THANK YOU, because they were put to use. Multiple times a day. Side note: sorry about the water bill this month, sis! Even though this week was rough for me, I know it still is not nearly as bad as it could be, for which I am grateful! 

Emotionally: *sigh*. Where do I begin? One of the comments people make to me often is, "you're so strong!" and while yes, I appreciate it, and yes, I know I'm strong, when life throws you the shit it has thrown me and Layne, you kind of don't have any other option. When I was sitting in pre-op before surgery about to get my port put in back in December, Layne came back to sit with me and I had a break down at the hospital because I was so frustrated. Even though I was okay with my diagnosis, I still resented being put in this position. I remember crying and telling her that I just wanted a "normal" life. One where my parents were still alive or never had cancer or I didn't have cancer. One where maybe I'm not strong but it's okay because that meant I didn't have to go through everything that I have up until this point. What's that saying? Two steps forward, one step back? I get my dream job with Teach for America...I graduate from college...dad dies. I become best friends with mom...I get accepted and am working through graduate school...mom dies. I graduate with my Masters degree and begin to travel the world...come home and get diagnosed with cancer. 

Even though I have been [mostly] positive through my treatment so far, there are days when I feel lower than low. Many of you know that I have struggled with depression and anxiety for many years and that is a whole other battle that I fight on a daily basis. I try my best to keep it to myself (because that's just how I'm wired) but it is tough to put on the brave face 24/7. All too often I find myself tearing up out of nowhere at wishing I could call my parents, or better yet, have them here with me. Grieving is a process, and one that is not linear. 

So many of you comment on my pictures or posts and tell me I am an inspiration, and I am happy that you see me as one, but please know that I am fallible. I do not have it together all the time. I am not Superwoman.  

Do you ever hear a song and just feel like it represents your life perfectly? Well, I do...all the time. The one that seems to be my mantra lately is "In Repair" by [my boyfriend] John Mayer. 

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

Oh, it's taken so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh, but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair
I am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me

Oh, it's taken so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh, but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
Oh yeah, I'm never really ready, yeah
Oh yeah, I'm never really ready, yeah
I'm in repair
I'm not together, but I'm getting there

Although I have had my own series of unfortunate events, it has made me in to the strong woman I am today and will continue to grow to become. It is a journey. MY journey. I'll continue to share with you as long as there's someone who wants to listen. 

xoxo,
Kristen