A Series of Unfortunate Events

Hey all, 

As always, thank you so much for your kind words and support. You have no idea how grateful I (as well as Layne and Aaron) are. While there is not much to update on on the medical side (no news is good news, I guess?), I wanted to do a post anyway! 

For those of you who knew me growing up, you knew if I wasn't out playing sports (and by playing, I mean dominating) with the boys, I was reading. Besides Harry Potter, my other favorite book series of all time is A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket. While they made a movie about 13 years ago covering the first 3 books, it felt very rushed, but great all the same. When I found out Netflix was creating a series based on the books, I just about cried with joy. As it premiered a few weeks ago, I obviously binged it in 2 days and have nothing but positive reviews. IT IS SO WELL DONE. While I was happy to be able to see such a big part of my childhood come to life on the screen, it made me reflective and cannot help but notice that up until this point, my own life could nearly be categorized as one big series of unfortunate events. But, Mr. Snicket says it best: 

Now, I certainly don't want this to turn in to a "woe is me" type post, because that's just not my style. The last week has been pretty rough for me both physically and emotionally, so I wanted to write a post with full honesty and emotion. I'm not the most emotional person on the planet, so sorry in advance. 

Physically: I briefly mentioned in a post the other day that I had my roughest post-chemo week yet. This would be an understatement. For the first two treatments, I did not begin to have any side effects for 6 days after (so the following Thursday), whereas this treatment I started having side effects on Sunday (just 2 days after) which became severe by Wednesday. Even with a new anti-nausea patch, on top of 3 different anti-nausea medications, I still was feeling queasy. So yes, I threw up a lot, especially as the week went on. Worse than that was the pain I felt from the Neulasta (the medication that makes my bone marrow come out of my bones to boost my white blood cell count to help prevent me from getting an infection). By Friday, this was me: 

Taking ache-y to a whole other level. Those of you who sent me bath oils/salts/bombs, THANK YOU, because they were put to use. Multiple times a day. Side note: sorry about the water bill this month, sis! Even though this week was rough for me, I know it still is not nearly as bad as it could be, for which I am grateful! 

Emotionally: *sigh*. Where do I begin? One of the comments people make to me often is, "you're so strong!" and while yes, I appreciate it, and yes, I know I'm strong, when life throws you the shit it has thrown me and Layne, you kind of don't have any other option. When I was sitting in pre-op before surgery about to get my port put in back in December, Layne came back to sit with me and I had a break down at the hospital because I was so frustrated. Even though I was okay with my diagnosis, I still resented being put in this position. I remember crying and telling her that I just wanted a "normal" life. One where my parents were still alive or never had cancer or I didn't have cancer. One where maybe I'm not strong but it's okay because that meant I didn't have to go through everything that I have up until this point. What's that saying? Two steps forward, one step back? I get my dream job with Teach for America...I graduate from college...dad dies. I become best friends with mom...I get accepted and am working through graduate school...mom dies. I graduate with my Masters degree and begin to travel the world...come home and get diagnosed with cancer. 

Even though I have been [mostly] positive through my treatment so far, there are days when I feel lower than low. Many of you know that I have struggled with depression and anxiety for many years and that is a whole other battle that I fight on a daily basis. I try my best to keep it to myself (because that's just how I'm wired) but it is tough to put on the brave face 24/7. All too often I find myself tearing up out of nowhere at wishing I could call my parents, or better yet, have them here with me. Grieving is a process, and one that is not linear. 

So many of you comment on my pictures or posts and tell me I am an inspiration, and I am happy that you see me as one, but please know that I am fallible. I do not have it together all the time. I am not Superwoman.  

Do you ever hear a song and just feel like it represents your life perfectly? Well, I do...all the time. The one that seems to be my mantra lately is "In Repair" by [my boyfriend] John Mayer. 

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

Oh, it's taken so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh, but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair
I am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me

Oh, it's taken so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh, but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
Oh yeah, I'm never really ready, yeah
Oh yeah, I'm never really ready, yeah
I'm in repair
I'm not together, but I'm getting there

Although I have had my own series of unfortunate events, it has made me in to the strong woman I am today and will continue to grow to become. It is a journey. MY journey. I'll continue to share with you as long as there's someone who wants to listen. 

xoxo,
Kristen

The Conehead

Who is ready for another long update?! :) 

Well, let's get the medical updates out of the way. In my last post, I mentioned that I would be getting two new biopsies--one for a mass in my left breast, and another of the lymph nodes on my right side. Of course, these had to be done on two separate days at two separate locations (because that's the way my life works, apparently). 

The first biopsy was done via a breast MRI, meaning I had to get an MRI done, then would be pulled out so they could position the needle for the biopsy, put me back in and take MRI images, pull me back out and adjust the needle, etc etc until they were in the right spot. The mass they were trying to biopsy was on the right side of my left breast, but the only way they could access it was to insert the needle on the left side of my breast and go allllllll the way through it to get to the mass. Here's a fun picture to show you what it basically looks like! 

If you've ever had a mammogram, it's basically the same concept in the sense that they mash your boob all the way in the contraption to the point where you think they are trying to squeeze the will to live out of you. 
Although I was mostly numbed up, at one point I did feel the needle (which is really more like a drill) and was easily the most pain I've ever felt in my life, haha. I yelped pretty loudly and the doctor performing the biopsy said, "oh, did you feel that?!" YES, SATAN, I DID, THANK YOU. 

Once I got re-numbed, they were able to finish the procedure, so in total it took about an hour. There was quite a bit of blood when all was said and done, and the nurse assisting let me know I could expect "some bruising." Apparently we have different concepts as to what this meant, because even within a few hours, it began to look like this: 

And by the next day, like this: 

The part that the band-aid is covering is where the needle went in, and the mass they were trying to reach was where the bruise is. 

The next day, I went in for the biopsy of my lymph nodes. This one was much easier, so I was happy the harder one was over, but it was a bit more nerve wracking because I was able to see them do it, whereas the MRI biopsy I couldn't see anything since I was laying face down. For this one, the biopsy was guided through an ultra-sound, so once they located my lymph nodes they were able to take a bunch of samples. I was completely numbed this time and couldn't feel a thing, but each time they would take a sample, there would be a sharp noise, which kind of sounded like when someone snaps a rubber band on you. They took 4 different samples and after that I was done! 

During the same week, I also had an endoscopy performed, which is where they take a camera and go down your throat to look at your GI tract. This was needed to check out my "stress induced" ulcer. While this is a simple procedure, the prep to get me to that point was rough. I couldn't eat or drink anything for 8 hours before, which already made me cranky, but also left me dehydrated and feeling nauseas (mostly from chemo side effects, though). Once I got back to the prep area, the nurse tried to start an IV for the anesthesia but couldn't find a good vein. She made about 4 attempts with no luck. So then she called over another nurse to try who, similarly, had no luck. A THIRD NURSE COMES OVER...at this point they are all simultaneously trying to find a vein in my arms and hands and cannot access one...SO THEY START TRYING TO START THE IV IN MY FOOT. My foot! Like I was some strung out junkie!!!!!! I was basically watching them like this: 

Anyway. Freaking 30 minutes later they finally get one in my arm and put me under anesthesia so they could do the procedure, which took about 30 minutes. 

Results: We got the results of the biopsies back that week (yay!) and it was nice to have the information back so quickly. The mass that was found in my left breast was NOT cancerous, but the samples that they took from my lymph nodes were. This doesn't necessarily change my treatment plan, but it is a good thing that we started chemo right away, because if left untreated, the cancer could have easily spread to somewhere else in my body. 

From the endoscopy, they found that I did have an ulcer (duh) which they took some biopsies of, as well as--wait for it--A HERNIA. 

*How I feel my body talks to me now* 

Anyway. I have a hiatal hernia, which means part of my stomach is pushing up past my chest cavity in to my esophagus, so it basically looks like this: 

I was put on two medications and I haven't had any pain so I guess it means they are working...?! I go back next week to follow up for the biopsy results that they took.


We also met with Dr. O'Lear, my radiologist, before my 2nd chemo. He, along with the rest of my team, is AMAZING. He was extremely helpful and knowledgeable, and took the time to walk us through all of the information. I've been asked quite a few times, "Why will you still need radiation even after you get a double mastectomy?" This is a valid question. As Dr. O'Lear explained to us, if the risk of cancer coming back is higher than 20%, you are recommended to get radiation. In my particular case, I have at least a 40% chance of my cancer coming back without radiation. AKA, it's a no-brainer to get it. I won't begin this treatment until June, and then I will receive radiation 5 times a week for 7 weeks straight. 

Just as I was getting used to my short hair cut, I began to get extremely tender headed around day 12 after my first chemo. My entire head was tingling, and it felt like my scalp had been severely sunburnt. They told me my hair would start to fall out 14-17 days after my first chemo, so I knew it was coming. I wasn't really nervous, nor did I have a huge emotional meltdown like I was expecting to, but I didn't want to be unprepared for when it came out, so I went....WIG SHOPPING! 

I know what you're thinking. Yes, those mannequin heads are what nightmares are made of. 

All of the ladies who worked at this salon were extremely helpful and kind and helped me make the process really fun! Those of you who have known me for a long time know that I LOVE to change my hair, so I thankfully have not really felt any sort of identity crisis when it comes to having to get a few new hair styles. The first one that I picked is (surprisingly) basically an identical copy of the cut and color that I just had and I love it! 

For the second one, I decided I wanted to go back to brunette!  

Last but not least, I have mom's old wig :) 

Yes that's a wig, yes she is rocking it.

By the time my hair started actually falling out, it was pretty annoying. I now know what my dogs feel like every time they shed. So what do you do when your hair is coming out by the handful?! You enlist your trusty roomies to have a head shaving party with you, obviously!

It begins: 

The comb-over:

The "Troll":

The Mohawk:

The Mustache:

Aaron: "I need some hair for my mustache"

Layne: "Just pull a piece out of her head!"

*Pulls piece out of my head* 

Me: *Rolls eyes*

The cul-de-sac:

The Creeper:

The Rat Tail:

And, last but not least, the final product:

We had lots of fun during the head-shaving party, and I am happy to say the only tears that were shed were tears of laughter. Layne kept telling me I look like Sinead O'Connor:

But my biggest concern was that I was going to look like a Conehead, and not just because this is how I've been eating lately:

Biggest upside to having no hair? You can get ready to go anywhere literally within 5 minutes. Biggest downside to having no hair? Your head is cold all. the. time. I have two beanies from LoveYourMelon that I am obsessed with--so warm and cozy! Not sure what I'll do when it starts getting hot again (so, like next week), but that is a problem for future Kristen to worry about. 

Last but not least, I have to give the biggest shout-out to everyone who came out for the spin class my Big put on for me. I think I can speak for everyone who attended when I say that 3 days later, we are all feeling like this: 

Although it was SO much fun, I do not think I have ever been this sore in my life. Jill Mauthe, you are one kick-ass spin instructor, and you had all of us busting our booties while smiling and laughing to an epic playlist . Here's a few pictures from the event!

Big/Little sandwich! 

This pretty girl and her hubby are having a BOY!!!!! #babyGibney

Sean hurt his knee so couldn't do the spin class, but still came out to support! <3

I want her shirt.

Our relationship summed up in one picture

miss our Alpha Phi Exec days! <3 

While I am still doing well overall, this second chemo was harder on me than the first was, which leads me to believe each one will be harder than the next. However, it still is not as bad as I had expected it to be, and I can deal with feeling like crap for a few days. The biggest side effects this time was nausea (and some puking), headaches (i usually just put an ice pack on my head and it helps) and feeling achy/sore from the Neulasta shot which makes the bone marrow come out of my bones. All part of the process, I guess! 

As always, thank you for your support, kind words, and good vibes! Love you all! 

xoxo,

Kristen